I’m popular… No, really, I am.

This was a very hard post to write. I’ve often felt of pulling it from the scheduled post, but I’ve promised before that I will always be honest with you, and my commitment to you is to share my very being, to share myself being a human. And this is it.

I’ve spoken with you before of how I used to be bullied. It was never physical, and never in front of the teachers but the sneers, the whispered insults and the exclusion from any friends group (to state a few) were deeply felt both mentally and physically.

I am now 27 years of age but those bullying acts from the Primary school days still affects me to this day. For one, I lack self confidence in my appearance and am constantly disgusted by what I see in the mirror. For another, I have an insane unexplainable need to be popular.

Popular is such a nasty concept sometimes. What makes something popular? What makes that girl popular? In Primary school, the girl with the prettiest smile, the one with the fairest skin and straightest hair were the popular ones. Children are naturally attracted to things and people they deem as pretty. My classmates were drawn to these popular girls like insects to a light bulb. They were the queens. And the queens get to dictate how the social group works – in which Miss little Celeste was promptly ostracized from. It doesn’t matter now whether or not the reasons were valid or even if I was imagining the reasons, fact is that it left a mark.

So how does that affect me?

It’s simple. Everyday, around me, many things happen that can act as a stimuli that would push me over the edge and send me spiraling into a world of self-loathing and self-despair. For example, when I lost an election at school, my first (very immature) thought was to think that it was because I wasn’t popular enough. It didn’t matter that perhaps the other person had more experience, or that this was the way democracy works. The very first thought was that I wasn’t popular enough.

I could be reading twitter and somebody might be randomly mentioning that they loved so-and-so’s blog. My immediate (again, very immature) thought would be think: “Why don’t people love my blog the same way?” And the next thought would be “Because I’m not pretty or popular like the others.” In quick succession, other thoughts would come flying through my head, some mocking, some jeering, some absolutely despicable. The rational part of me will know that this is because the other person has worked way harder, way longer than me on the blog, but does the unreasonable side of me care? No.

Anything can be engineered into a self-loathing and self-pity session. When I see my friends being better friends with each other than they are with me, despite the fact that I was the one who introduced them, that is enough to throw me off my game for a few days and to wallow in self-pity. It is a vicious cycle, it never seems to end. I hate myself for being who I am, a low, despicable, ugly self, and then I hate myself more for thinking that way.

It is humbling. You realise just how vulnerable you are. And it is also soul-destroying. Because instead of others bullying me, now I am bullying myself.

This year, I have suffered more bouts of such self-loathing more than I have in the past few years. I was honestly getting better at loving myself over the years, and last year I had the most improvement. But this year seems to have done a number on me, and I seem to have undone all the good the past few years have done.

I don’t really know what else there is for me anymore. I’ve been told to just ‘get over it’ so many times that I grow angry when I hear that. I’ve been told that I am impossible to reason with when I’m wallowing in self-pity. So instead of letting it out, I bury it as much as I can, but the more I bury it, the worse I feel. Because the more I bury such strong feelings of self-pity, the more convinced I am that nobody really wants to care about how I feel. Just what I can do for them.

Thank you if you’ve read this far. There’s no real point to this entry other than to say that, if you feel like you are always failing because you are not one of the popular ones, you’re not alone. How can I help you?

Well. My hope is that we can find out together.

24 Responses to "I’m popular… No, really, I am."

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  1. Peta

    May 25, 2012 at 11:28 am

    What a beautiful post…I can really relate more than I can say. I love your personal posts, I find I can really empathise with what you say a lot of the time. If you ever stopped blogging I’d be a sad panda! xo
    Peta recently posted..Primer – what is it and do you need it

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:51 am

      Aw Peta. You know how to make a girl feel loved, you do. <3

      Reply
  2. Jen

    May 25, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I know that this post must have been a very hard one to write.
    I myself was bullied sometimes by those I trusted most.
    A lot of people look at me funny when I say I got pretty in year 9-10. The truth is before that I always had self esteem problems and I still do but year 9 was probably the first time I noticed other people react to it.
    I’m not ugly, sure there are things about myself I hate/dislike but I’m not ugly and it took time to simply reach that conclusion. It sounds so simple saying that your not ugly but it can be the hardest thing to realise and then the challenge is to believe it. There are still days when I look in the mirror and hate what I see. Days when I don’t feel good enough for my friends. Days when I don’t get picked for something and although it could be for a series of reason. I immediately look down upon myself as not being good enough. I see friends going out with other friends I know and not inviting me. Not because they want to leave me out or anything but my mind still feels the flash of jealousy and the anger of not being good enough. These feelings subside over time but sometimes it can be hard. Logical steph knows the truth, that its most likely a fabrication of my mind but steph who was hurt by one of her best friends in high school beyond repair see’s red and the webs of deception everywhere.

    Because of my past I still give out my trust easily but my mind always guards itself. I am an extrovert with many introvert thoughts as I was quite the introvert when I was younger.

    At the moment I’m doing pretty well but I always have those thoughts at the back of my mind.

    You’re awesome but not because your do a blog and a millions other things (although they are amazing) but because you are honest with yourself and your readers and that, that is really hard and takes a ton of guts.

    <3 Fake Jen aka Steph
    Jen recently posted..Cute Earmuffs

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:46 am

      What can I say, Steph, other than I LOVE YOU?

      You know, when I first met you, I didn’t even notice your back. In fact, I still don’t notice it 99% of the time. Only at a certain angle do I ever notice it, but even then it never struck me as anything bad … or anything really. But that’s the thing isn’t it: we may be having this whole massive argument with ourselves about something and feel insecure about something, but the reality of it is that it’s all in our heads.. maybe others never even noticed anything.

      Need more strength of mind – will continue to persevere!

      Reply
  3. Agnes

    May 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Oh Celeste. :(

    I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, so I just hope that things improve for you.
    xx
    Agnes recently posted..Persimmon cake

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:43 am

      <3 I'm positive it will - it's all in the mind, right? Being around all you folks in Melbourne used to help a whole lot - now that I'm away, I seem to be falling apart? Maybe it's time to go home. ;p

      Reply
  4. Marti

    May 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I’m coming out of lurkdom after reading your blog for such a long time, as this post has really resonated with me. I could have written it! In a lot of ways, you’ve inspired me to start my own blog, and journey to loving myself, so thank you for that. It’s been hard, as I’m constantly second-guessing my posts/my face/my opinions/everything! In the big world of Beauty Blogging, it’s so easy to feel like you’re the only one who feels this way, so thank you for writing this, and thank you for continuing to inspire myself and all of your readers. <3
    Marti recently posted..ムチャチャ←→あちゃちゅむ Mook & Bonus What’s In My Bag?

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:41 am

      Hi Marti – thank you for coming our of lurkdom! I always feel incredibly (ridiculously) happy when somebody does so as I adore getting to know my readers more. I’m flattered that you started your own journey to love yourself – I think there are many people out there who needs to start this journey. You won’t believe how many times I second guess myself on these blog posts, but the more you do it, the more you stop fearing and start loving. I’ll definitely pop by your blog and will be supporting you as well, so keep on fighting, and keep on loving! Thank you Marti – you’ve made me very happy!

      Reply
  5. Stacey

    May 25, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    There’s a really interesting book called “Odd Girl Out: The hidden culture of aggression in girls” that gave me some insights about high school bullying, I highly recommend it. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but: you’re normal, you’re beautiful, and worth it :)
    Stacey recently posted..Haul: Bellabox + Lust Have It [May 2012]

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:39 am

      I will have to go look that out – boys punch the daylights out of each other, but sometimes I can’t help but feel that might be healthier in some ways. The hidden jibes and the snickering behind your back kinda makes you grow up nervous all around… Thanks for the rec, Stacey!

      Reply
  6. Cally Staples-Hilll

    May 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    Hi Celeste,

    Thanks for sharing this with us. I too had similar thoughts as a teenager and up until a couple of years ago. In fact, a person I considered to be a best friend of mine helped to perpetuate these thoughts – whether that was the intention or not I still find hard to figure out. I was drowning in my own self pity. This confession may not help you, but I got to a point this year where I’ve just gone ‘screw it – I can’t be bothered hating myself anymore – it’s actually driving me insane. I’m sick of being so miserable all the time’. That’s sounds terribly simplistic and it’s probably not be as simple as that, and I still have negative ‘cally you suck’ thoughts popping into my head but where I can i’m like ‘you know what, maybe I do and maybe I don’t – WHATEVER I DON’T CARE ANYMORE BRAIN’. after several months of thinking this way my brain seems to be giving up it’s self pity battle.

    It can be hard to convince yourself of your own awesomeness. I like to think that I’m friggin awesome. I know I think you’re friggin awesome.

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:37 am

      It is scary that it is often the people closest to us who are doing us the most harm. It really makes you feel as though having people close to you is not worth it at all. But really, it’s a matter of being aware to who is around us and making sure we weed out the bad. I wish I had your strength to not wallow in self-pity. It is still a strength that I am looking for. Thanks Cally <3

      Reply
  7. Katie

    May 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    I’m coming out of lurking too because of this heart-felt post! Experiences as a teenager are still affecting me now – I know how you feel! I started a beauty blog recently after being inspired by a few blogs including yours. I started to realise that don’t have to be one type of person to be interested in beauty and to blog about it. I haven’t been brave enough yet to post any photos of myself, but after reading your post I’m thinking about it!
    Thank you for saying – you’re not alone!
    xx Katie.

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:35 am

      I’m so glad you came out of lurking, Katie! I do hope you comment more. I’ll definitely be popping by yours, good luck with your blog! It took me quite a fair while to show pictures of myself on the blog as well… in fact, the only reason I am now capable of doing so was because of other bloggers and the fact that I’m writing this blog myself. It is a rather huge hurdle to overcome, but I can definitely say that I felt a lot more confident in myself after I started loving the photos I put up of myself. =)

      Reply
  8. Sarah

    May 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    I recommend the book “Get out of your mind and into your life” to help get out of these thought patterns. It has a lot of practical and creative exercises to get yourself moving past the thoughts and putting them in their place. I will be reviewing this soon but don’t wait till then! You can get it cheap @ the book depository or I’m happy to lend you my copy. :)

    Hugs!

    (I used to get bullied at primary school too. Weird coincidence that us bloggers have had similar experiences!)
    Sarah recently posted..My Beauty Diary How To: Mask selection, effective use & avoiding fakes

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:30 am

      Ooh, I’d love to borrow your copy if that’s possible? Perhaps the next time we meet up!

      I think primary school or even high school bullying is a very common occurrence. I see it in my school and I try my best to curb it, but the kids are relentless especially when they don’t realize what they are doing is actually bullying.

      Reply
  9. Megan

    May 25, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    Celeste, I think you are amazing and even moreso because you are willing to share your feelings and work towards improving them. I have heard that age 27 is a difficult year to transition through and I can totally agree with that when I was 27 (which was very recently *shifty eyes*) it’s the age when you question yourself a lot and start to feel like you haven’t achieved everything you thought you would, also when you see so many examples of famous people imploding. Google the 27 Club if you aren’t familiar with the reference but it’s an age that people have a lot of trouble getting through however once you get through you will feel content and start to feel a lot more content in yourself, I definitely did.
    Megan recently posted..Maybelline Great Lash – Lots of Lashes

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:29 am

      The 27 club is definitely not something I’ve heard of before – I’ll have to go look this up! I’ve never thought of 27 years old being a difficult year to transition through, but I can definitely see your point. I see a lot of people around me achieving so much more when they are much younger… getting married, having kids, buying property and to be honest, a major part of me is going “Haha, you suck” at myself because I haven’t been able to achieve the same….

      Thank you for taking the time to comment, I truly appreciate it. It’s folks like you that helps me regain my trust in myself to keep on going.

      Reply
  10. Sally

    May 25, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    Hi. found ur site by accident but was touched by your post. Its horrible to feel so low. I’m a psych, I hear other people’s stories of despair, sadness and worry everyday. that critical voice can only be made quiet from within. but it takes some management and will improve as you grow older if you learn to listen more closely to ur rational mind. Our emotions are fleeting and while hard to ignore, rarely reflect the whole truth. trust ur intellect and focus ur concentration on seeing completely what is before you. notice ur feelings, acknowledge them and choose to focus on what is helpful in the moment, appreciate ur gifts and integrate them into ur rational mind. Put the crap thoughts into a box in the cupboard. Decide to look at them some other time, maybe…

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:26 am

      I used to study psychology, I was interested in learning how the human mind worked, I was interested in helping others. I stopped, partly because I couldn’t take how dry it was, and partly because I was convinced that I couldn’t help anybody if I was twisted inside.

      Most days, my rational mind is the one winning. Most days. At least that’s how it used to be, these days, it seems those crazy emotions are taking over. It is hard to trust your intellect when the raw emotion is so strong and takes over your entire being, but I will keep trying. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment, you have definitely helped.

      Reply
  11. Kate A

    May 27, 2012 at 5:01 am

    Celeste, I am so glad you did decide to post this. Brave, honest and raw. Naturally, as you would expect, I have loads to say. But I won’t. Just a virtual hug to say I accept you for who you are. Yours is the only blog I keep book marked and look out for each morning. Over and out.

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:24 am

      Aw Kate, you have no idea how warm and fuzzy that makes me feel. It did take a lot for me to post it, but I’m glad I did it too. =)

      Reply
  12. Nicole

    May 27, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Bullying is something you never really get over; incidents from the past are like scars you carry on the inside. You might not notice them until you look in the mirror – that’s when the memories bubble up. Your quest for popularity is noble, but a person with a lot of friends does not necessarily make him/her the best. Always ask yourself who you’d be able to call in a time of crisis; I bet you can name three, maybe four tops. Count yourself as a friend, treat yourself right and aspire to never bully. We could easily have a pity party, but ultimately we’re only letting those former bullies continue to win.

    Reply
    • Celeste

      May 29, 2012 at 10:18 am

      I agree with you. I definitely don’t think having a lot of friends makes a person any better than they already are. The important thing would be to be able to list yourself as a friend (as you have mentioned). I’m still working on that, I think. Thank you for leaving a comment, I really appreciate it!

      Reply

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